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12 Movie Girlfriends Who Would Suck in Real Life

February 21, 2018
14 min read

Some female characters in movies seem really perfect in every which way – they are smart, pretty, can keep things interesting.  However, upon introspection, we might realize that it is the magic of the movie or those special circumstances that make them seem so perfect. Perhaps, they would not be perfect in real life, far from it, they would probably suck. Here is the list of twelve movie girlfriends who seem perfect through the rosy glasses with which we view the big screen, but would really suck in real life.

 

12. Samantha – Her (2013)

Voiced by Scarlett Johansson, Samantha is an OS in the near future. She interacts with Joaquin Phoenix’s character Theodore Twombly and the two begin to develop a relationship.

Why Samantha is the perfect girlfriend: Samantha is empathetic, she is a great conversationalist, she is a great companion, her voice is incredibly sexy and well Samantha is open to sexual encounters in her limited scope – as the verbal sexual encounter proves. Furthermore, she is willing to learn and expand her horizons and is enthusiastic.

Why Samantha would suck in real life: Samantha is not real. She is an OS at the end of the day. She is an artificial intelligence with no real form, it would be much like being in a relationship with Siri or Cortana – it would be a simulation and nothing more, a relationship that would never be continued to fruition and would ultimately be doomed for failure.

 

11. Isabelle – Dreamers (2003)

Bernardo Bertolucci’s masterpiece film explores the erotic love triangle between three teenagers against the backdrop of 1968 Paris student riots. Eva Green plays the character of Isabelle to perfection in this movie about idyllic lifestyles and exploring teenagers.

Why Isabelle is the perfect girlfriend: She is extremely hot and good looking, I mean seriously, it’s Eva Green! Isabelle is a cinephile so obviously one would be logical in expecting her to be smart and a good conversationalist. She is a Parisian intellectual and who doesn’t dream of walking down the Champs Elysees with a pretty girl by their side? She is probably pretty kinky, seeing as she punishes Matthew to masturbate to a picture of Marlene Dietrich. She is a free-spirited woman who likes her causes, she joins the protestors against the police forces and who does not like a girl who can raise a little hell.

Why Isabelle would suck in real life: She has an ongoing incestuous relationship with her brother. That should stop you right there. It’s an untenable situation, but if that were not enough, Isabelle is the kind of armchair intellectual who’ll likely always prefer an idyllic life over action. She has no real romantic experience since she is in that dysfunctional sibling relationship, so she’d probably not be a very good girlfriend. She is often shown to be a rather whimsical person so stability is not something that one would enjoy in a relationship with her. And all that adds up to a messy breakup in real life, but the sex would probably be great.

 

10. Lisa – Rear Window (1954)

Hitchcock’s brilliant masterpiece about a wheelchair confined photographer who begins to suspect his neighbor of murder is a thrilling tale. Grace Kelly plays the beautiful Lisa Fremont, the woman who is in love with the protagonist Jeff and who helps him solve this murder.

Why Lisa is the perfect girlfriend: She is pretty, she is a socialite so she must be a good conversationalist. She takes care of her loved one when he is wheelchair-ridden and indulges in his obsession where someone else might have abandoned him. Lisa also proposes marriage showing that she is serious about relationships and lastly she risks her own life to help Jeff solve the believed crime. If that is not the definition of a perfect woman I don’t know what is.

Why Lisa would suck in real life: Seeing as it was a 1950s movie, it is understandable that Lisa cannot be shown to having too much agency of her own, but come on, her character is a pushover. She is almost too eager to please Jeff and get past his macho exterior, and personally, I’d like to be with someone who is more independent than the ditzy socialite. Also, the way Jeff’s obsession was progressing any self-respecting woman would have ditched him and I am ashamed to say it but I judge her a little for that. Lastly, in an effort to help and impress Jeff, Lisa almost got herself killed and I don’t think having the death of my girlfriend on my conscience is something I would like to live with. Or for that matter, anyone would like to live with.

 

9. Summer Finn – 500 Days of Summer (2009)

Directed by Marc Webb, this film stars Joseph Gordon Levitt and Zooey Deschanel as Tom Hansen and Summer Finn respectively. The film warns us that it is not a love story but a boy meets girl story.

Why Summer is the perfect girlfriend: Have you seen Zooey Deschanel? She is the ultimate pretty girl next door. Her character was portrayed in the movie as the perfect girlfriend, I mean ever since she was of dating age, every man wanted to date her. And why not, she is pretty, funny, smart, has an amazing laugh, listens to The Smiths, has a cat named after Bruce Springsteen and is up for some role play at IKEA! She’s definitely the girl most people would consider long-term relationships with.

Why Summer would suck in real life: Summer is pretty changeable in her convictions. Most people hold it against her that she didn’t marry Hansen but married someone else. I think that’s justified seeing as she might not have felt the same with Hansen, but she could have been sure of her convictions, perhaps told Hansen that she might marry but would not marry him, instead of making a statement of never marrying only to drop a bombshell on Hansen that she was marrying someone else. Also, with Summer there will inevitably be a breakup unless you’re that very lucky guy who she decides to marry. And that post break-up phase is going to be lousy, because Summer makes you feel more alive, makes all those songs make sense, makes you believe that you can be happy, and when that is gone you’re bound to take it hard, and take it from me, post break-up situations can get really really bad. I’d just steer clear of a girl like Summer in the first place.

 

8. Celine – Before Trilogy (Sunrise-1995, Sunset-2004, Midnight-2013)

Played by Julie Delpy, this trilogy by Richard Linklater follows the couple Jesse and Celine who clearly have feelings for each other but somehow can never carry it to a complete satisfactory fruition due to time.

Why Celine is the perfect girlfriend: Celine is smart, pretty, can sing, you will never run out of topics to discuss with her and she is a romantic at heart.

Why Celine would suck in real life: Come on, one night you will never forget and then you never meet the girl until much later? That sounds like someone who is afraid of commitment. Celine breaks her vow to meet again and this belies her romantic intentions. Also, the hard press for the time seems a little forced in their relation – perhaps Celine wanted a sporadic romantic tryst with Jesse and nothing long term, so there’s a possibility that you might go into a relationship with her expecting very different things. Also, Celine is a bit too upfront and open about things and while candor goes a long way, you can pretty much expect old-school conservative parents to hate her when you take her home to meet your new girlfriend. She’s bound to raise a few eyebrows, so if you’re okay with that, it is cool, but if not, you really should prepare your parents for when they meet Celine.

 

7. Juno – Juno (2007)

Directed by Jason Reitman, this is an indie coming of age film starring Ellen Page as Juno. The film is about this teenager who faces a sudden pregnancy and the consequences of the same.

Why Juno is the perfect girlfriend: Juno is smart like she knows a lot about movies and music, so the conversation side of things is sorted. She is rather good looking and well she is open to having sex if her sudden pregnancy is anything to go by. She is a straight shooter so you can expect that the relationship wouldn’t have any lies or concealed secrets. Also, she is rather bent on doing the right thing, and who does not want that in a girlfriend or from any human in general.

Why Juno would suck in real life: Juno is too blunt with her words for her own good. I mean most of us like straight shooters but she is too much of one. Also, Juno does have some of the annoying millennial habits that one could do without in a relationship. Lastly, and here I judge Michael Cera’s judgment and Juno’s, why have sex without protection? That’s just asking for trouble and most of us are not really looking for trouble in our relationships, are we?

Read More: Movies About Women Empowerment

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